We'll Start Clean and Start Over
by starraiser
Summary: They say a person could only take so much before they start to crack but what happens when a person had been cracking for years? Sirius's home life is taking a toll on him emotionally leaving him in a state where he could break at any moment and the only person who can help is equally as damaged.
1. Chapter 1

Hello its been a while since I have written on this site and for some reason this story kind of called out to me. I am not sure if it is going to be a one-shot or if I will continue with this story but I hope you all enjoy it.

Since I am unsure if I will continue or not, I guess it depends on if people want me to or not I am going to go ahead and say that there is no couples. If I do continue it might turn into Sirius/Remus but for now its nothing.

Anyway please enjoy and let me know what you think:

He never felt such darkness before. The thoughts running through his mind made him tremble with horror. He thought he was above this, he thought he was above his family's name, his family's curse of darkness that oozed out of his family like heat rising out of a stove. He was supposed to be the one who broke through their hatred. He was the black sheep of the family, the person whose parents were ashamed of, the one who held all the kindness the rest of his family lacked. Yet here he was, breathing heavily and pale as he stared at his reflection in the small little bathroom mirror. The sight that he saw made his stomach turn. His face shined in the artificial glow by the tears that he couldn't hold back anymore. His long black hair just dangling messy around his face, shaping it in a way that his father always told him was too feminine for a boy.

The person he saw staring back at him was a shell of everything he used to stand for. His eyes were outlined with thick bags that made him look older and more damaged than he should be for his age. He couldn't remember when the last time he slept was, everything that had happened recently had been a giant blur and he hadn't found much reason to sleep lately. He knew what awaited him when he closed his eyes, he didn't want to be back THERE again, didn't want to experience THAT again, didn't want to be reminded of what he continued trying to do and failing constantly.

His skin felt hot still, burning to be honest, as he continued to stare at himself as if observing a stranger. This person that he was seeing was too young to be dealing with his life, dealing with what he witnessed day after day, what his parents put him through whenever they could.

He could still see the way his younger brother staring at him like a deer in headlights, no emotions anywhere on his face, like a damn statue. He didn't even say anything. Didn't even try to help. Not that he expected him too; this was something not new to either of the two boys. It had been happening for years, they grew up around it, and it was almost a typical event that happened day after day.

It's just unfair because Sirius was the one it happened to but hey everything always happened to him in the family. His brother was spared time and time again and Sirius wouldn't have it any other way. However that didn't stop Sirius from feeling anger, didn't stop his despair that he hide behind being a nuisance, by being a cocky dick that got into trouble constantly.

For a while that got him by. When he felt hurt, when he felt alone, when he felt like giving the whole world the bird and leaving to find a soft coffin to dream in, he would plan pranks. It doesn't matter what kind of prank or how dangerous it was. It was all about seeing it play out and waiting until he got caught and then he would get all the attention he craved. He would sit down in the headmaster's office, listening to him talk and plead with him to cool it on the amounts of pranks he did while trying to get the courage to tell him what was going on back at home.

Sometimes he thought the headmaster had figured it out. Half the time he was called into the office the old man wouldn't say anything to him or would ask if there was something he wanted to tell him. Sirius always denied his offer. At first it was out of fear, fear of the mess he would find himself if he ever told. Lately it was just out of resignation. This was his life and what he had to go through was his to live through until he was finally of age to leave and find his own route of life. Some people had loving families who loved them and gave them all the support they needed. This was what he had and in the end it didn't matter who lived in a mansion being pampered by love and money or if they had nothing, every road led to Rome, it's just some roads were more courageous to go down then others.

His road just had a series of events he described as THAT. The last event was definitely involving THAT in THERE. The event itself wasn't really what shook him to the core. What got him worried was imagining killing his father and mother after THAT took place. It didn't end there through; it was also in the words that he wanted to desperately shout at his father, his mother, even his brother. Even that wasn't the end. It was his dreams of digging his nails into his own skin until he bleeds, to slit his wrist and let his life rush out of him in a tide of red. It didn't stop there either. It was his secret wish to join his family on the dark side just so they wouldn't treat him like they do anymore.

They were so typical of a Black to think of such things.

He shook again as he rested his head on the wall next to the sink, feeling fear rush through him again. What if he was just like them? What if he would turn out to be bad? It was this thought of being a bad person that he had really been dreading his whole life. He had made the decision to not follow what his parents had taught him, to not become prejudice, to not be blindsided by the pureblood crap, now he was realizing that may all have been in vain. Maybe he was bad after all and it was all a matter of time before the truth unveils.

"Sirius?"

Sirius froze as he recognized his best friend's voice and he immediately wiped at his face with his sleeves, trying to hide the tears before forcing a smile and spinning around, "hey Mooney, how are you doing?"

"I been looking for you for a whole hour…why are you crying?" Remus asked, tiredness ripe in his eyes that always seemed to shine with such strength that Sirius craved for.

"I'm not crying man," Sirius faked a laugh as if to prove the point before pushing his hair out of his face.

"You still playing this game?" The blonde asked with nothing but exhaustion heavy in his voice.

"What game?" The black haired man faked a laugh again, his eyes shinning with pain and begging. He wanted Remus to keep questioning him, to get him to confess what was wrong but he knew it was pointless. Remus only pushed him so far before backing down. Sometimes the blonde was so close to breaking Sirius down that the Black almost let it slip but then something distracted one or both of them and that was the end of conservation.

Sirius wouldn't dare tell James or Peter. They wouldn't understand, it was too complicated for them but Remus…he knew all about pain and suffering and the wide array of emotions that came with it. He knew how it felt to have his childhood stolen. He knew how it felt to be afraid of himself, afraid of what he may not be able to control. Remus was the only person Sirius trusted. He was the only person he wanted to tell about his home life.

"Where you act all high and mighty and try and fool everybody into thinking everything is okay." Remus was too wise for Sirius's liking sometimes.

"I'm fine," a genuine smile that crossed with misery in the eyes, "just depressed about how we just got back from winter break and yet we already have three tests in a span of week and a half."

Remus faked a smile this time, looking at his friend with so many questions that he always wanted to ask but never got the courage to do so. He knew something was going on; something unpleasant was happening to his friend and yet felt powerless to say anything, "yeah well we just have to suffer for three more years and then we will be free."

"Yeah and then we will be gone, out of sight and out of mind." An uneasy silence fell between the two boys as one stared into the mirror and another stared down at the floor. Both of them knew what Sirius meant. He wanted to escape, to run as far away from his family as possible, to never deal with their hatred again. Finally Remus looked up from the floor and stared at his friend, "You know…" he paused and looked down again, "we have the rest of our lives to try again. The point is that yes our lives are complicated right now but it doesn't end here..."

Sirius looked back at Remus, another tear made its way down his face, one that Remus didn't see because he was still staring at the floor. The black haired youth didn't take his eyes off of his friend as he bitterly whispered, "yeah it can only get better from here."

Remus looked back at his friend and for a moment they just looked at each other. The need to spill the truth tugged on Sirius's body, making it feel one hundred times heavier. He could imagine how his friend would respond to his horrible news, how he would help him, how he would know what to do. He opened his mouth, his tongue feeling as heavy as lead as he started to form the words that he knew he had to say.

"Remus, Sirius there you guys are," James interrupted the awkward staring contest. Sirius instantly felt the words die in his throat as he turned wearily toward his other best friend. Remus slowly turned his head as well, still looking so unbelievably tired, so unbelievably physical weak at the moment, "I have to show you the prank I just pulled on Snape, come on, come on, before it gets reversed." James screamed, ushering at them to come with his hands, impatiently jumping up and down unable to hide his excitement. Remus and Sirius shared one last look before following James out of the bathroom letting another conversation die off that shouldn't.

Maybe tomorrow would be a better day.


	2. The Screams All Sound The Same

Okay here is chapter two, I want to thank everybody who had reviews and or Favorited my story. This chapter is a little bit depressing and focused on Sirius but next chapter will focus more on Remus. Please enjoy and please leave a review and let me know what you think :)

* * *

The whole day was a giant blur. He spent his attention during classes in the clouds, going over dreams and forging into past memories that he wished he could eliminate. The whole school was moving around him at lightspeed, his head spinning from the movement all around him as he continued to walk at a sluggish rate. He barely noticed anything that happened during school, minus a couple of times James looked at him with a weird look before ignoring him to play a trick on a teacher and Mooney touching his shoulder, shaking him slightly in the hallways between classes, talking to him quickly, his words elastic, his look frightened. He couldn't understand his friend's words, it sounded like a foreign language to his overwhelmed brain. He did notice that Peter stayed away from him but Sirius was used to that. The little shy guy always looked up to James more than him, sometimes he wondered if Peter would even look in his direction if they both were not friends with James.

Most days he didn't give a damn about if Peter was really his friend, other times it scared him to the core because it meant instead of three friends he really only had two. Sure he had other friends in the school that he talked to but they were more of acquaintances than true friends. Just people he would hang out with to pass time but not somebody he honestly would chose to do things with.

Friends were important to Sirius because friends would notice if he was to suddenly disappear or would care if one day they learned of his death. Truthfully he was okay by himself, there was a peacefulness of being by himself, nobody was there to hurt him intentionally or unintentionally.

It was hard to concentrate today. He did reply when Remus asked him questions, smiled and joked with James, played nice with Peter, even answered questions, wittily might he add, from teachers. It all seemed so fake to him. Every smile that grazed his face, every laugh, every joke, every playful insult, every hug…it was all so fake and he was surprised nobody seemed to notice.

He was sick of pretending and sick of acting. He was sick of trying to be the Sirius who was stubborn and headstrong and a trouble-maker. He was sick of his secrets, sick of his family, sick of his life, sick of him. By the time dinner was ready he was of no mood for anything that the great hall had to offer him. The thought of eating or drinking made him want to hurl. He also didn't want to go back to the common room. He wanted to go away, wanted to disappear. Its hard to believe in a huge castle but it was hard to find somewhere he could just be by himself.

There was only one place to go. The room of requirements. His sanctuary. It was the only place he could disappear from school, disappear from his peers, from his teachers…he was officially died if only for a little bit. He wondered the halls with his heads stil in his clouds, running his hands over the walls next to him until he finally came upon the invisible door. He closed his eyes as he said the right words and did the right steps to open the door before happily walking in and shutting the door.

See he was dead from the world.

He yawned heavily as he looked at the room which wasn't very much in it to be honest. Just a couch, a television and a VCR. He looked at the television for a moment before grabbing a tape from behind its hiding place and walked over to the VCR and slipped the tape in there before sitting on the couch trying to get comfortable. The first time he learnt about muggle movies was when he was travelling with his family outside of dragon alley, outside of wizard villages, to actual muggle villages. Sirius loved it. There was one place that always interested him, a movie theater. The outside was beautifully decorated and god there was so many people leaving it smiling and looking happy. However what drew him in to wanting to go inside of the unique looking building was when a child and his mum came out, the mum smiling at him and asking him questions that showed she cared, to show she loved him.

He thought back then that movie theaters must be magic that makes everybody happy because nobody left looking upset. He looked back at his parents who looked grumpy and moody and he thought it would fix them.

His family wouldn't budge. They thought they were too high and mighty and dragged him away. He always remembered that day through, the day he thought he could fix everything without knowing there was nothing to fix. People do not change, love couldn't be bought, some people need to go through pain to remind everybody else how good they had it.

He had watched his first movie three years later. It reminded him at first of photographs. People moving on the screen, talking to each other, the only difference was that the background constantly changed, the people constantly changed and officially the screen turned black. That difference made him feel so safe. It was so different than wizard photographs which kept the same person in its frame forever and ever and kept their personalities and beliefs.

He fell in love with movies. He loved the definite lifespan of the movie. He loved that every time he rewatched it the film remained the same, the characters did the same thing, they talked the same words, and a film only lasted so many hours before it ended and the screen faded into nothing but darkness. At that point all he wanted to do was cheer and yell thank you for the actors that made him forget his own life for two hours or so. It was unlike the portraits of his family members that were hanging in his house, throwing insults and curses at him every time they see them. Sometimes he heard them that night when he was at home yelling at his mother about him, saying things about him that made him squirm in his bed and hug his blankets tighter around him.

Even his dead relatives hate him. It's bad enough his parents hate him and his brother lost respect for him but to have damn dead and buried assholes have to hate him too was just mind blowing awful. It's worse too because everybody in those pictures were all dead and didn't really need to sleep. His mum and dad could yell and hurt him but they need sleep, the damn portraits did not and used nighttime to torture him even more.

He looked down at the tape again before sighing and putting the movie in the VCR and turning on the television which was an object his parents would never allow in their house. The tape he had gotten was a story that mimicked his life way too much. It followed a girl getting abused. He had stolen it from a movie store earlier this year. He watched this so many times he could recite the words that everybody spoke; act out every painful scene, really cried when the main actress did.

Bruises were ugly. The girl on the movie had harsh ones, some on her face; some on her arms, on her chest, at times she caused them herself over her own misbelieve that her mum could put her through this pain. He too had hideous bruises that still hurt today. Most were yellowish by now but two or three were dark purple that hurt when he rubbed it against something by accident. His bruises were more hidden like on his thighs, on his feet, on his chest. He did have bruises on his face too but a little bit of magic made that evidence disappear. He wouldn't dare get rid of his bruises on his thighs, feet and chest, he wanted somebody to catch them, wanted somebody to notice what was going on without him having to utter the phrase. He didn't want to actually say the word, didn't want to admit by word of mouth what he had been put through, he just wanted it to just stop. To just go away.

His bruises on his face were quickly repaired but muggles, like that girl, didn't have magic just make-up. It still covered up her bruises wonderfully. He wanted to try it; maybe it would be better for him to use then begging his mum to use the spell to clear the bruises and scratches that covered his face that made him feel like some freakish monster.

The girl was stronger in the film than he was in real life. She was brave, standing up to her mum, yelling at her, threatening pain and payback. Words that he would never dream about actually uttering to his parents who would probably skin him live and feed him to beasts. He wanted to stand up to them, god did he think up speeches and rehearse them in his head about what he would whisper to his parents. He would die before he got that much courage.

She died at the end of the movie. The last five minutes of the movie was just of her crying and dying, precious blood rushing out of her wounds, her eyes losing that luster for life. She was tied up on a bed, broken and a shell of her strength and will to live. She never stopped crying and never stopped screaming, cursing her mum who just stood there and watched, smoking a fag and smiling. She was smiling because she knew she won. She knew the girl was crying, knew it when she invited men, fucking pigs, to come in and take what was not theirs to have. Then afterwards while the men were smoking and looking cocky she broke her daughter's leg and split it open, called her a whore she did.

He cried through the last five minutes. No matter how much he had already seen this movie he couldn't stop the tears. His heart flopped when she lay gasping on the bed, naked and alone. When she stalled after taking a breath that sounded too airy and light to continue on all he felt was numbness.

He could see his own fate by watching this film and it wasn't attractive. After the movie was over and everything was black all he could do was draw his knees to his chest and rest his head on them. Tears still continued to fall, hands shaking slightly, black hair covering his face, wrapping him in blackness that was silk to the touch.

He let out his first sob quickly after, not just letting tears fall; he really let himself grieve for the way his life was. He rocked back and fourth letting pain-filled words leave him lips as he let go of everything he had been keeping inside spill out. Soon he would have to sorber up and lie and pretend again that everything was okay. He would have to go back to his common room where James, Peter, and Remus was waiting for him and he would have to make some great excuse for missing dinner and ignore the voice in his head telling him to show them the bruises, let them see his tears, let them know. But that was later for now he was doing exactly what he needed to do.

* * *

So what did you think?


End file.
